Unsafe

Dear : Too naughty to be nice (I think it's time for a new name)

Life has been eventful and there are so many things that I wish to update you on about but I don't think I have the strength to note down everything that has been happening for the past months.

Let me tell you about my condition now.

My favourite boy has left the country.

Yes, it was a sad sight sending him off in the airport and it was a pathetic sight as many watched me cry. (before that day, on that day, and days after)

Things has changed drastically when he was around (and in my life of course) and the thought of losing him to another country saddens me. Too much for my own good to take. It's been 6 days and I'm still emotional about it. (my condition has improved from the earlier days).

What I know now is that I cannot stay in this condition and sulk my days away while counting down the days of his return. I need something else to distract me from this obsession I currently have. (I talk like someone who had just broken up).

If this was a race, you would have won by now as I feel so heavy lately with the fact that you're gone. It's hitting me everyday and I could hear your voice ringing over and over again in my brain telling me "Honey, LDR is not easy. Don't underestimate LDR".

You were right. Maybe because I was ignoring the fact that I was about to commit into something that was new to me and that's why the aftermath is taking its toll on me.

LONG-DISTANCE-RELATIONSHIP.

That word scares the hell out of me but I had already committed myself into this.

He always tells me this too.

"If there is nothing wrong with us, do not self-destruct".

Oh-ho-ho.

I guess he knew me well enough to say that because knowing me and the way I'm feeling so tortured everyday longing for his absence and his sweet kisses and hugs, I am capable of self-destruction to not let him feel the way I do now. (KA-BOOM)

Sad, pathetic,hopeless and most importantly, unsafe.

I hold on strong to his words everyday to push myself to move on.

"Don't push the red (self-destruct) button MeiLin".

The thought of both of us feeling the way I do now, miserable and blue really bugs me.

Other than that, I cannot imagine himself in this new environment feeling the way that I do now. At the same time the other side of me tells me that he should not let it all out there because that is as close to losing everything we have.

Being exclusive.

(that we once had, but I lost it and regained again)

I spoke to him today and he said this, "Baby, I've done nothing wrong and will do NOTHING wrong. Trust me."

I felt bad immediately after he said that, it felt like I was accusing him of something I think he will do but has not done it yet.

Am I to blame to feel that way?

I feel unsafe because he is not near me, unsafe because he cannot be with me to know how much I care for him.

I have to learn how to trust him and know that he will do nothing wrong.

I feel the responsibility of making sure this pulls through.

Though it is a "partnership" thing but I already feel like I'm a wife and a lady with the responsibility to keep the family together. In this case, both him and me.

It's hard to explain why, how and what made me feel this way. I just do and I often question.

Why does he feel this way?

What makes him think that he wants me for me for the rest of his life?

Is he for real?

How did he fell for me?

Unless these questions are answered one day, I will not believe that anyone will go to the extreme means to maintain a relationship EXCEPT myself.

Because I am so certain of what I want and will not give up on this unless if he tells me to.

If you don't know me, I guess you'll think I'm a controlling, freaky, annoying girlfriend who wish to stick her nose around her boyfriend's business.

But damn, if you were anywhere near his shoes, you know I'll go through thick and thin literally for this. (unless he tells me not to)

Even the folder of our pictures is named " This will last".

So how are you going to debate about my commitment?

=)

one of our sweetest memory in Genting.

XOXO,

MeiLin